Alone Together.

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English: Book Cover

It’s hard to speak about being alone together without sounding pitiful and sadistic. Why would you stay? Why? That’s an obvious question when one even opens the can of worms of loneliness involved in an Aspi relationship. I sometimes wonder if two Aspis should be together, and if that would make a more comforting set. I have seen blog posts and YouTube videos from Aspi/Aspi couples and they seem to support each other just fine. I could argue that they mutually validate the other’s need for emotional distance, but even that statement reveals my bias as a neurotypical person with different emotional needs than an Aspi. In fact, that whole thread is simply useless for me since, in fact, I am neurotypical and my husband is not. So, starting where WE are, all I can say is that it’s a lonely place to be.

We’re here visiting a friend- a straight couple with two kids. I have been friends with this (highly empathetic) woman for years, though we’ve not been able to physically see each other since she’s had these two kids. She and I always multiply the other’s positive energy since even when we vent we always mange to finish off with gut wrenching laughter. From her perspective, she and I married the same type of guy, and so of course I am wondering if her husband, too, is an Aspi. I wondered about that before, but I’ve not had the chance to interact with her husband too much. But, he has all the tale-tale signs as far as I can judge from her statements, AND his noticeable absence during our short visit (at the last moment, he backed out of our plans to go for a walk through town last night)

My friend’s reaction and continued frustration with his linear thinking also makes me wonder. She, too, seeks greater companionship in ways that her husband cannot apparently begin to imagine. Plus, he’s checked all the relevant boxes as a provider; he provides the resources for them to have a wonderful home and are able to travel regularly. He also comes from what she describes as a very frigid family that could contribute to his lack of emotional intelligence. So, from his perspective, he’s done all that he should. What more does she want? She doesn’t want to be alone together.

So, here we are visiting her in her home, getting some of the emotional fulfillment that I need. Of course, Mr. Aspi finds that this visit serendipitously enriches his life, but rest assured that he was ready to cancel the trip only days early, or just send me alone. I knew that he needed to see me interact naturally with other neurotypical people, and that his exposure to a well oiled household would also provide him with some reassurance not only about what we’re building, but also some clarity about his own mother’s Aspi traits: The black/white thinking, the doomsday scenario.

True to form, my friend has encouraged us to flip through the litany of relationship rescue books that she’s amassed for her own purposes; and true to form, Mr. Aspi has flipped through and found some useful tips. “I looked at the table of contents and turned directly to page 72,” he bragged at breakfast before explaining to her that he’s gotten quite good at mining through relationship rescue books and finding useful material. ‘It’s all useful for someone so lacking in emotional intelligence’ I think to myself. He uses that example- his ability to mine these books- as evidence that things are continually getting better between us. And they certainly are. He also takes that time to acknowledge my contributions in this area, and true to form, seeks recognition for his ability to acknowledge that we’ve grown. Ultimately, Mr. Aspi reduces these types of conversations to his ability to mine the books and change, rather than us having met any of our real needs. That used to satisfy me, but I cannot even bring myself to fake satisfaction anymore: I am lonely, and tired of being so.

Many of you reading this post, I suspect, will have recognized the title from the famous

eponymously titled book, Alone Together: Making an Asperger Marriage Work, by Katrin Bentley. That book has been immensely useful for me in coming to terms with my own feelings. Who knew what it’s like to feel alone right next to someone? Sure, there are the endless nights spent in bed as he browses through car websites. He has trouble being in the moment and is so easily distracted. He has grand ideas about emotional closeness, but Mr. Aspi lacks any know-how about implementation.

There is one example about the gap between idea and implementation that Mr. Aspi understands that best illustrates this. A few months ago, Mr. Aspi had this grand idea to take a romantic walk with me in the park behind our house. Someone had smashed a beer bottle at the entrance to the park, and this set off an entire tirade about all the doomsday implications of that bottle. And for sure, he’s right: Kids, especially are put at risk. The municipal authorities should take better care; people should have better civic sense; his nation has better laws that discourage such behavior, for example their deposit system on glass and plastic; and finally, there really are many simple solutions that would remove the possibility of that smashed bottle.

20 minutes later, the walk has been far from romantic and I am exhausted. I am exhausted from both trying to offer his the reasonable responses that he demands, and from biting my tongue because I know that he’s just having a meltdown. No, there are really few, if any, reasonable answers why someone would smash a glass bottle at a park entrance. Finally, I explain to him that the walk has been ruined, and that he allowed some anonymous person to ruin what might have been a pleasant excursion. I also explain to him that this is a very typical situation, and that it always leaves me not wanting to spend any further time with him, even if he manages to drop the subject.

Although I had gotten better and cooling down, his tirades still reduces any urge to seek contact with him, at least for the next few hours. We’re together, and yet I am alone. Of course, I wonder if it would just be better to genuinely be alone, without him at all. Why not just start out alone, rather than have him abandon me at the entrance?

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Reaching that point : A New Year Re-Solution

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1.1.13 (ten years later)
At a certain point,

I have to accept my own loneliness.

Not embrace is like a scratchy scarf that keeps me warm,

But hold it in the light before me

And recognize it for what it is,

A ball of sadness.

At a certain point,

I have to accept that I am alone.

I can sit in a room full of loving friends,

But when the one I love ignores me,

I feel a deep desperation,

A longing for closeness.

It’s as if his darkness has driven away all the others.

At a certain point,

I have to accept that he cannot be there in a way that I clearly need.

If I am to stay,

Accepting this darkness into my life,

Can only exist if I find an even brighter light to shine

Into this empty space.

Resentment won’t be that leveler,

Nor will shame,

Which I know can only cage me into a cave.

Now look at me, I sound bluer than the deepest indigo.

At a certain point,

I have to accept that I have to look elsewhere for

Fulfillingness’ first finale,

And sadness’ last debut,

Else, it will steal the show.

At a certain point,

I’ve got to move on from these feelings,

Not succumb to my own sadness,

Not give into my own loneliness.

Thank goodness for music,

My constant companion.

...”Until the rainbow burns the stars out in the sky…”

Classic among stars.

Minor Examples of a Reasonable Adult.

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Lactose Free

Lactose Free (Photo credit: Black Glenn)

1 December 2012

Sometimes it really occurs to me that I am just own my own. My Aspi partner is not just in his own world, but often completely oblivious to the world around him. Tonight we went to visit friends for a small party that included many snacks and a special soup made by the host. At one glance at the large pot of soup, it was clear that it was milk based. My Mr. Aspi partner knows that I am lactose intolerant so heavily that actual full cream milk is like a laxative. Yet, as usual, when presented with food, he just goes crazy. To his credit, he also jumps at any explicit opportunity to do something for me. So, when our friend warmed the soup to serve, Mr. Aspi was eager to dish me out a bowl, of course without asking. So, here I was presented with a huge bowl of cream, from my perspective, given to me by a man who’d left as soon as my hands hit the bowl, before I could even see it’s contents. He’d done his job and now it was time for him to eat and little stands between him and food. It’s just a minor example, but one that shows the classic “in my own world” Aspi behavior. I cannot fault him, but it is difficult since he’s otherwise a reasonable adult.

I wanted to raise the issue with him when we got home, but within two to three exchanges, he was ready to move on to his immediate concern: lotioning his dry back. I basically knew that he was inaccessible, and talking to him would only serve my need to vent. He’s got his smartphone, turned the TV on and is basically dead to the world. If I did insist on speaking with him, I would have to announce that I wanted to speak and announce the topic. If he accepted, then we could talk. I’m just not in the mood, and realize that my time would be better spent reaching out to other carers.

When it comes to food, I am basically on my own. He only prepares food for himself when I am not around. Otherwise he eats a typical German breakfast of cold cuts, cheese and bread, none on which interests me as my first meal of the day (I am the fruit, granola and yogurt type). He is almost resentful of having to make dinner for himself, the same way he regards housework.

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Clubbing with a Ball of Stress

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Mr. Aspi is a complete ball of stress and I am so tired of having to manage his feelings for him. And it really is like being with a child, but with the twist that his vices are totally adult. He came home today totally stressed out about one of his colleagues, but then proceeded to make everyone around focus on his problem. He didn’t even have sense enough to loosen up and enjoy Saturday night. In fact, it’s kind of pitiful when you look at it: His friend/house-mate had made this grand gesture to make a nice party atmosphere for us and all Mr. Aspi could do was sit there and sulk. Of course when anyone prompted him to say anything, he could only speak about his issue with his colleague, and even then he only spoke about it from the perspective of his frustrations.

I am so tired of this guy behaving like a selfish, self-absorbed animal. Even when I try to speak logically to him about these situations, he says that he can see my points, but never will he arrive at any sensible location on his own. He always has to drag any and everyone with him, and I am damn tired of being dragged around. It is so annoying that he repulses me. If I were to tell him any of this it would just become a situation of dealing with his self-pity, so I’d rather not bother.

A human ball of stress.

Tonight after we went clubbing Mr. Aspi claimed to have gone to the police and hospital after he could not find me at home. He had left early from the party, of course, and so was waiting at home with his problems- I guess waiting for me to come and solve them for him. And so I had nearly ten text messages and over 20 missed calls from him. The trouble is, I cannot get him to pay that much attention to me when I am actually in the room with him, so why should this out of sight concern be taken seriously. Sure, I know that he’s genuinely concerned, and earnestly worried. I am just tired of having to deal with some wired up guy all the time about one issue or another. It’s maddening. It not only feels unfair, but feels like I am dealing with a stupid child rather than an actual adult. He’s totally incapable of functioning when he is like this and supposedly I am the only one who can help him out of that scenario.

Then, of course, when I get home from clubbing/partying, he’s out front waiting, smoking, not with a friendly hello. He’s just relieved that his stress is over. Again, I am damn tired of taking care of him. It’s not just a thankless job, but it’s one that never seems to grow. He’s always talking about the progress he makes, but the reality of all this shit is that he’s a serious pain to be around. He’s an asshole who says asshole things.

The other day, for example, he told our Irish housemate, that the government should just annihilate the Irish terrorists. I believe that he suggested that they be shot or somehow violently eliminated from the scene just as Germany had done with its homegrown terrorists in the 70’s. Supposedly he was being provocative, but at a certain point it just becomes insensitive and somewhat filthy. Of course, he has this theory about how our housemate is not Irish, according to his calculations, but again you don’t really know if he’s being sarcastic or serious; it just ends up silencing everyone else who has to then change the subject or risk provoking Mr. Aspi to say even more horrible things. Frankly, I am tired of that, too. Who needs to be around an asshole who becomes needy and strange whenever he faces any dilemma. Who wants to be around that constantly? And again, it’s not like he pays that much attention to us while we’re around, only when he’s faced with the prospect of being alone.

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*Sigh* Life is Like a Satellite Navigation System

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Lakhovsky: The Convesation; oil on panel (Бесе...

Lakhovsky: The Convesation; oil on panel (Беседа), 51.1 x 61.3 cm (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I know that it was probably mean not give him a great send off for his business trip today. I just could not bring myself to do it. It feels so horrible to be spoken to the way he does. He barked at me twice last night and even started in on one of his doomsday predictions.  Or yesterday with the Sat Nav system. We were barely on our way and he had the feeling that we had gone slightly out-of-the-way, but of course within moments it became clear that we were on the right track. Still, within those few moments, he had decided that the whole system was crap and that he must write and complain to the Sat Nav manufacturer because it was all-wrong all the time. Like I said, within moments we were well on our way.

I feel like some life coach, but my student only progresses slowly, or doesn’t really ever learn anything.  I cannot teach him to empathize with others. He can, at times, learn what to do in the right situation. And, of course, he cannot apply what he’s learned in one area to another situation. So, it’s like we have to have a plan for each turn in life. There are so many examples of how his behavior is torturous, hasty, and over bearing. I cannot say that he is malice, but it is certainly emotionally exhausting to go on so many highs and lows just to get through a normal day.

I risk feeling sorry for myself through all of this, which is probably counter-productive. Yet, it really tires me and yet he is the very person with whom I cannot speak about these problems. Because, like always, he will only be able to talk about him. “I’m fine,” he’ll say, as if that is his sincere resolution. So, then I feel like I have to prove to him that he is not fine at all, or that I am not. It’s one or the other, but nothing in between. It is so very emotionally exhausting. I want to tell him that, but of course, at best he will just start feeling sorry for himself.

At any rate, he will not be able to have any conversation with me about how I am dealing with this exhaustion. And this is why I am so anxious to get him to my family’s home, where at least I have an entire support system around me, outlets for all sorts of discussions. It takes off so much pressure. The exact opposite happens when we come visit his parents’ home, where he is a carbon-copy of his mother (another undiagnosed Aspi).  Each time he and his parents end up fighting, and so I am left in my in-laws’ household with so much tension. It is a real struggle to be around these people.

I am tired of hearing myself cry over this. It’s not like we don’t get anywhere, but it often feels like we don’t get anywhere, back to square one. And the tantrums? Sometimes I wonder if it’s he who has managed, or me better able to avoid his triggers. Likely, it’s a combination of both, but it does mean a lot of compromise for me. He is genuinely incapable of taking any interest in what I am doing, and at the same time, he is so needy that I stay distracted unless I am really careful.

It’s sad because here I am living in a town where I could really use a job, and I have the time to go looking for work. But whenever he is away, I feel like I am just waking up or just coming out from under some heavy load. And plus, he stinks. Like many on the Autism spectrum, my Mr. Aspi has serious gastro-intestinal issues, so on one level I understand. Yet, he really stinks. He almost always has serious gas and pretends that no one notices. I have tried to train him not to fart while others are eating, but he still does it to me all the time. Now, I just get up and leave the room. I let him have it. And so he spends a great deal of time alone. Sure, it’s just like the Aspi couples books say, he doesn’t need a great deal of socializing. And then with me, he has this idea of how a relationship should be, and doesn’t quite seem to understand what he has, so he’s constantly telling me what I must do for him, how I must love him and so on. It’s like whenever we see a show or movie where lovers kiss, it always makes him want to kiss as if whatever fucked up thing is happening on the screen in the relationship is cancelled out but the intimacy. Movies are great for showing make-up sex, as if couples actually fight like dogs, and then suddenly screw like dogs, too. He acts as if we’re supposed to have whatever sort of intimacy he sees on-screen, as if that’s his model and we just mimic that. That also is quite tiring, though I can see that he is sincere. He gets an idea of what a relationship is supposed to be like, but has no clue about how to reach that point. Besides, he is always complaining about one thing or another.

He complains as a means to contend with what’s going on. And then I am left to explain. In fact, so much of our talk is about me explaining something to him. I recently got real tired of that, too. I am just not in the mood to explain. Sometimes I want to talk to an equal like any other rational adult. And it’s really hard for him to jump into any conversation. He mostly only understands what is specifically spoken to him. Yes, he is that guy who walks into a room and just start speaking, totally ignoring what’s going on else wise. Of course, this alienates those around him, so he drives folks away or else he holds court about some subject he masters, and people drink the words from his lips; that part is magical to see, and comforting to see him in his element. It is only on those occasions that his conversations are suited to his basic method of supplying information.

Just once I wish we could have a conversation where his contribution went beyond spewing out some stats about people, places or things. You mention a town and he will tell you the population and surface area, but he starts barking so loud that the adults in the conversation can hardly speak. Like yesterday at a girlfriend’s- once we reached and finally found parking after all his complaining at some point I just started ignoring him. He kept interjecting with talking points that were simply facts about the subject we were discussing, but nothing really about the subject itself in relation to us in the room. I know he’s like this, and so it should bother me less, right? But, the reality is that it bothers me still, to constantly have this barking boy next to me. And yes, he always speaks inappropriately loud, and usually says something inappropriate. That part I will leave for future posts.

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Inappropriate, and Traffic Wise

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 Mr. Aspi drives inappropriately. It’s not usually wrong or illegal what he does, but traffic is so subjective as it turns out. The rules change little across the globe, but the implicit knowledge one needs to get around is purely contextual. The level of ease or aggressiveness can sometimes change by region, let alone nation, or from urban to rural places. He scares people in the car with him. He is technically the best driver I’ve known, but he gets so frustrated behind the wheel, and so driven to reach his destination that all else become secondary. He used to bark at any passenger who complained about his driving and you would have to tell him specifically what to do. You could not just say, slow down, because he will then argue about the speed limit and then pick out some other car that is driving over the limit or vice versa. It actually gets ridiculous, but on the other side it’s handy to have him drive because he likes it and he is good at it, and does not tire in all the ways that anyone else would. Like math, traffic has many explicit rules for him to grasp, and so it feels less subjective than any social situation. Funny that the reality is quite the opposite that traffic rules are actually quite implicit.

Learning to drive like an alien.

There are plenty of posts on the Internet that explore Aspi folks driving. Click here for one post that I found informative from the Armenian Medical Network.